My Domestic Abuse Story
by Steve Cloer
At first I didn't believe the stories were true. It wasn't that I thought the stories were lies or the people telling them to me were not being truthful, but the rational and logical areas of my mind wouldn't let me believe them. After all, this is America, synonymous with freedom, civil rights and justice. I discounted the stories as unusual situations or untypical. Then, I began to meet more people who told of similar stories. I still could not rationally believe, although I did not disbelieve. The stories didn't seem real, that they could be factual. Certainly something would have been done about it if the stories were true.
I was warned many times to expect to become a character, a victim in another of these stories. Still it was too unreasonable to imagine, too far fetched to believe. I did not disbelieve the people who told me of their parts in these stories. Reason would not allow myself to believe the stories could be true. It was a shock my beliefs could not recognize. "This is America", I thought. "Thousands of American men and women have sacrificed their lives to guarantee my freedom, rights and justice. You are innocent until proven guilty. Due process!" my beliefs echoed.
The phrases stuck in my mind, implanted continuously since childhood. I recalled the phrase, "for liberty and justice for all". I remembered saying that phrase thousands of time growing up as all school children in America had each morning in their classrooms and many other places. Certainly there is "liberty and justice for all" in America?
My time had come. I had been coaching my son's soccer team when his mother came by the field and convinced my son to leave with her after the soccer practice ended. While she was there waiting for the practice to end, she was talking on her cell phone with a very serious, business like demeanor. I went on home alone, instead of going to eat at one of my son's favorite places with him, as we usually did after soccer practice. Shortly after I got home there was a knock at my door. I peered out the window and could see two sheriff's deputies. My first thoughts were that someone had been hurt. Naively, with curiosity, I answered the door. Their first words set my mind numb. I hardly heard their following instructions. Only a few of their words, mixed in the racing of my numb mind, could I hear, much less understand, after I heard the initial words "Domestic Violence Complaint". They were here to serve me. It must be a mistake. My thoughts raced for the reasoning, the source, the cause. There was none, nothing significant I could attribute to this. The sheriff read on, me still not hearing his words, my mind racing and numb. Life had immediately become a slow motion fog, the warnings of the stories I had heard rang in my thoughts as the sheriff read.
When he finished he asked, "Do you understand this?"
I had no idea what he had just said. I answered, "No. I hardly heard a word you said.".
The sheriff said, "If you come near your residence you will be arrested... You will be charged with a felony...You can't have any contact with any of the members of your family... You have twenty minutes to pack some clothes." The sheriff went on, my mind went numb again, not hearing his words.
I interrupted, "What is this about?"
He answered, "Your wife has filed a family violence complaint against you."
"For what?," I asked.
"You can read it in the complaint we'll give you when you leave here," was his answer.
The two sheriff's deputies followed me throughout my house, inspecting my every move and examining each item I chose to take with me. After a short while one deputy hurried me along saying, "Finish up, we have several more places to go." After I packed a few items they escorted me to my vehicle and with the threat of arresting me if I returned, watched while I drove away. For a moment I felt that I knew what it was like in 1940s Europe, the authorities had come to my house with no evidence of any wrongdoing and forced me from my very own home I alone had totally paid for.
I drove to an all night restaurant and stopped in the parking lot, shaking, feeling like I was in a dream. My reality was engulfed in a mental fog. My mind worked in slow motion, being occupied by the thousand thoughts running through it. I read the complaint, having to read each word or sentence over several times for my racing mind to grasp the meaning. I sat in my car all night, staring out the window, unable to sleep, unable to stop the tears. I felt like a man without a country or family. This was the first of many similar nights to follow.
Ten days before, my wife pulled up into the driveway and came out into my workshop where I was. It was apparent she had been drinking. She had our 7 year old son with her. Not uncommon, she had our son out with her driving while she was drinking! She was angry, as she commonly became when she indulged in her frequent drinking. I noticed her angry behavior and I was expecting her to become physically violent, as she had many times before when she was drinking and angry. To protect myself and prevent my son from observing a conflict I closed the door, not allowing her to enter. I closed and locked the door for my own safety, to avoid another one of her drunken physical attacks. Prudence and the law allow self-defense when accosted, and leaving the conflict is strongly recommended, as I was attempting. She didn't seem to care that our seven-year-old son was watching, which is considered child abuse by the law when a child is exposed to family violence. Her main statement in the complaint was that I pushed her.
Despite her repeated abusive behavior I never reported her. I found the idea of my son's mother enduring the humiliation of being taken to jail repugnant. How could I allow my son to bear the effects of his mother being taken by the police? From the stories I heard from other men, I felt no one would listen to me, a man, even if I made a report. If I did report her, I knew she would seek revenge by telling my son how I had sent mommy to jail, her intention being to punish me by alienating my son from me.
I had emails written by my wife to her friends describing how she had hit or kicked me, video tapes of her aggressive, abusive, threatening physical behavior and phone contact information of people who had witnessed her abusing me, a police report filed when her mother called me on the phone and threatened to "blow me away". But, conveniently, after she reported me I was not allowed into my house to retrieve these things before the court date. The result of me even being near my own house would be an arrest and a felony conviction.
In the papers I was served, there were several complaints other than the workshop incident, all fabrications. In my wife's deposition, which was taken after the time some of these alleged incidents stated in the complaint took place, there was no mention of any of these incidents. In fact, in the deposition my wife referred to me as "pretty perfect" when questioned about my behavior.
The compliant the sheriff served me with required me to be evaluated by a court-approved psychologist. I made an appointment, paid the fee and attended the evaluation. I took the written tests the psychologist gave me and underwent a verbal interview. The evaluation stated that there was no indication of a violent potential and that any further treatment or evaluation was not prescribed.
I went to court the first time in my life expecting serious consideration of the allegations to be examined by the judge. After all there is "justice for all." A judge who cared about his duty to justice would expose the truth. The judge would have fairness and the best interest of my son in mind. My thinking was that no responsible person would advocate a drunken woman becoming violent toward a child's father in front of the child, especially a person in such an esteemed position as a judge.
I attended the Gwinnett County Court hearing in Lawrenceville Georgia in front of Judge Robert Mitchum. My lawyer advised me to play down that anything happened that would be considered violence because no matter who was guilty, the man would be the one put out of the house. I made a mistake. I told the truth instead.
During the hearing I was rushed through a busy court system. The judge commented, "We have a lot of people here and I want to finish and get home in time for dinner." The judge looked at me and told me, "Give me your Readers Digest condensed version of what happened."
The judge read my wife's list of complaints. He didn't ask me, "Did you do this? What is your side of the story? Do you dispute these allegations?"
I started telling my side of the workshop incident. The judge started writing up the order before I even got half way through my story. The psychological evaluation was never brought up. The judge told me, "It's only for six months" seemingly justifying his decision, as if getting thrown out of your house for six months was a minor inconvenience.
My wife had lived in the same household with me for 10 days after my "violent act". She had several friends and relatives in the area but apparently didn't feel terrified enough of me to flee to one of these places in that 10 days. The Guardian Ad Litem (a court appointed person to investigate the children's situation and recommend custody) stated in court and a report that she found it strange that the complaint was filed 10 days after the supposed incident. My wife's lawyer invented the excuse that, "she couldn't get a hold of me to find out what to do for those 10 days".
Couldn't she call him at his office or home, leave a message with his secretary, an email, a FAX? She had communicated with him all these ways before. My wife worked with his wife. Couldn't she get a message to him in 10 days? She could have called the court and found out what to do. I believe she learned of the domestic complaint process and looked as the past incident in the workshop as a means to use it. My wife had no proof or evidence of any kind to indicate that any violence took place. She had no police reports, no medical reports, no witnesses, no pictures of bruises, nothing.
The judge took the usual course of, "When in doubt, throw him out." It appeared he never even considered that the woman might have been the aggressor. I was removed from my home where I made my living in my workshop and home office. I was forced to pay my abuser $500.00 a month. I was required to make the house payment. I had to relinquish use of one of my vehicles to my wife. I was not allowed near my house under threat of a felony conviction. I suffered a loss from several projects I was working on that I no longer had access to in my workshop and could not finish. To pay everything the court ordered I would still be $33.00 a month short after I paid my entire monthly income. I was prevented from my home office and workshop where I derived that income. Most importantly, my son was deprived of a very good and active father whom he had a strong, close relationship with. All this with no evidence whatsoever!
Days later I went to the court clerk's office and looked through the case file. The judge had a paper in the file he was apparently using to take notes as my hearing took place. The notes were incorrect on several subjects; such as I prevented her from coming in the house (not the workshop.) The paper was covered with doodles, indicative of the disinterest to find the facts the judge showed in my case and reflects the boredom and disinterest the judge had with the whole procedure.
I was able to see my son on my Guardian Ad Litem's recommendation. The Guardian Ad Litem recommended 50/50 shared custody, one week with me and one week with the mother. This didn't seem to indicate that I was a violent threat from the Guardian Ad Litem's perspective. I had to secure an "appropriate" residence approved by the Guardian Ad Litem for this to be allowed. The cost of this "appropriate" residence was $1,400 a month, a one-room motel, for eight months.
While I was out of the house, my wife pillaged through my personal belongings, financial documents, my business papers and my computer data. She took what she wanted from my personal belongings. She stole $7,200 from my business account (a corporation,) removed my property from the house, slandered me to all of our neighbors and friends and actively attempted to alienate my son from me.
The effect on my son was harmful and immediate. He had been on a soccer team for 5 seasons but quit playing soccer. Now in his second year of scouts, he showed no progress with the activities involving the parents. He stopped the activities he and I enjoyed together that provided exercise; walking to school, riding bikes, hiking, soccer, and others. These activities were replaced by his mother with watching cartoons and playing Nintendo. My son immediately gained weight, which his young peers teased him about. The year before, when he was in first grade, he was recommended for the gifted program. This year, with me out of the house and unable to see him regularly, he would be recommended for summer school because he was at a failing level in several subjects.
This situation didn't have anything to do with family violence. It had to do with control. It had to do with the impending property settlement. It had to do with a future court hearing and judgment. It was the only way to get me out of the house that my wife hoped would become hers. The family violence was nothing more than a way to place a face card in a hand that was yet to be played. This was a calculated move by a woman that was experiencing her third divorce as well as by her divorce-experienced mother, who between her and her daughters would now increase their divorce count between them to seven.
The divorce that followed effectively used the "Domestic Violence Conviction" to maximum advantage. The divorce and the results of it were even more devastating than the Domestic Violence circumstances.
I was forced from my home, prevented from seeing my son, and forced to pay my accuser, all with no evidence. If someone came to anyone's house with a gun and forced them from it, prevented them from seeing their children and forced the occupants to pay the intruders money, this would be considered by our society as a crime of great brutality and abuse. This was a crime of exploitation, greed, vengeance and a crime against justice.
In my situation the 5th and 14th Amendments of the United States Constitution, which assures that no State shall "deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law, or deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the law," was cast aside and ignored.
Since this happened to me, I have met many men in a similar situation, falsely accused of domestic violence. The number of them is surprising. The motivations for the accusations are the same; for the wife to gain control over the property and finances and to degrade the living standards and the emotional strength of the man to the point where he is at the mercy of the wife, her lawyer and the court. I have seen men out of their house because of a false domestic violence accusation living in their cars, homeless or accepting the favor of friends or of a church for a place to stay. These men have no money and unable to see their children. Some of these men have committed suicide. Some have done worse.
Since being a victim of a false domestic violence complaint has happened to me I learned that this situation is widespread. It is a misuse and abuse of the system by lawyers and unhappy spouses to gain power, increase financial gains, and attain vengeance. Although men are commonly victims of domestic violence, the laws, attitudes, resources and actions dealing with family violence greatly favor women in a way that is to the detriment of men. The judiciary has hardened their hearts against men and fathers in particular. The imbalance and injustice of the family violence laws and attitudes are resulting in the continued degradation of the foundation of the American society; our families. The misuse of family violence laws isn't just an issue of one person or men or noncustodial parents, this is an issue of the health of our society.
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