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This is the first bi-weekly e-zine intended to focus primarily on the issues ofdomestic violence against men and divorce/child custody issues. We welcome news ofgroups, websites, and people in the men's rights movement. We encourage new writers andcommentary. For all the news all the time, visit our buds http://www.mensactivism.org in the USor http://www.angryharry.com in the UK. Our e-mail is: dsrtlite@mindspring.com__________________________________________"A woman needs a man like a fish needs the river."__________________________________________~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~THE REALITY OF DV AGAINST MEN~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~by Ken Gilmour(Ed. note: Ken Gilmour works for Shatterd Men-Ireland, hence the reference to theGardai, the Irish police)The vast majority of recorded incidents of domestic violence are of men on women.Society, although aware of the male victim, treats him as a joke. In reality he is a manin fear, a man in isolation, a man stigmatised as weak. Why? Because he does not conformto the stereotypical male image.In law, a male victim faces two obstacles; firstly to prove he is a victim, andsecondly, to ensure that his children are protected and do not become the new victims.Men very often remain in an abusive relationship for the sake and protection of theirchildren.Most men react by staying silent. Often this silence is encouraged by factors such asfear of ridicule and, the realisation that it is unlikely his partner will be evicted.Even when a man has proved he is the victim it seems his only course of action is toleave the home. He is then separated from his children and often experiences difficultyin obtaining realistic and regular contact with them. He is in fact treated as theperpetrator rather than the victim.Fighting the MythsModern medicine is aware of certain conditions which may cause people to be violent butwe expect such sufferers to seek help or medical treatment. Men are expected to takeresponsibility for violence and abuse but no excuses are accepted. Yet when a female isviolent society provides a list of excuses: Post-natal depression, stress, PMS, eatingdisorders, personality disorders, menopause, addictions, childhood traumas, provocation,self-defence etc. Although most men will be sensitive to these problems, they should nothave to suffer violence as a consequence.When a woman is violent and abusive in a relationship, it is not necessarily assumedthat she is a bad mother. If a man is violent towards his partner, it is automaticallyassumed that he is an unfit parent. The law presumes that the children are almost alwaysbetter off with their mother. Consequently the only options for men seem to be to put upwith the abuse or to leave the home, since under the law there is no real protection forthem.If a male victim seeks help, society should offer the same protection and help to himand his children as is given to female victims. Women should be judged by the samestandards as men, and women who are violent should be held legally responsible for theiractions.How Men CopeMen in abusive relationships employ various methods to attempt to diffuse potentiallyviolent situations:They may:· Go into another room or lock themselves away in a safe place· Leave the dwelling, go to family or friends (but tell no-one the real reason)· Sleep in their car, shed, garage or wherever they can find shelter· Promise to do whatever she asks or demands· accept responsibility for all sorts of untrue accusations· cover up for their violent partner. These are all survival tactics but will not stop the attacks. However, most men will doanything in the vain hope of stopping the abuse. What they fail to do is record theincidents, injuries or pattern of events. They fail to tell any family members of thesituation and make excuses for their injuries even when they attend the hospital or thedoctor. They fear the humiliation and stigma of disclosure even when the abuse islife-threatening. How Society Reacts If men attempt to report incidents of abuse they are met with blatant discrimination,disbelief, gender bias and comments such as the following: "You must have done something terrible to her to deserve this! "Look at the size of you! Maybe she was just defending herself!" "We can't arrest her - what about the children? " "Why don't you just leave?" "Give her time to calm down. " Society seems to want these men to go away because there is no simple solution to theirplight and there are no support systems in place to deal with them. What men should do:· Always keep a record of dates and times of incidents.· Always report the violence to your doctor and to the Gardaí -ensure that they record your injuries and all the details of the assault.· Always seek medical attention for any injuries -- do not cover up the true cause.· Always take legal advice.· Do tell your family and friends what is happening to you.· Do not be provoked into retaliating.Victims' CommentsShe said "You realise I could kill you and get away with it". She slept with the knifeunder the pillow.""I am 80 years old come Christmas. I am blind. I obtained a protection order againsther. She laughed at it and the beatings have increased.""My little darling is 4'11", I am 6'2". The Gardai suggested I go home and sort her outmyself.""As I put away the shopping she stabbed me in the back with a 7" knife. I was put onlife support. It was several days before my family knew whether I would survive.""I'm a doctor. Who do I talk to? Who is going to believe me?""My hair has been pulled out in tufts. I am not allowed to wash before going to work inthe morning. She is obsessively jealous even though it is she who is having theaffairs.""I am 84 years old. My wife is 75. The violence has gone on for 40 years and has becomeprogressively worse.""She beat myself and the children. I took out protection on the children. She promptlygot an interim barring order on me. The Gardai removed me from my home. For God's sake Iwas the victim! Who will protect my children now?Male Victims come from all walks of life, social backgrounds and cultures.Male Victims suffer society's stigma for not protecting themselves.Male Victims become depressed in their isolation, feel suicidal and sometimes take theirown lives without disclosure.Male Victims are victimised because they fail to conform to the Macho man stereotype.Male Victims are perceived as wimps.Male Victims are disbelieved because they are men.Male Victims are refused the status of victim.Male Victims are caring, sensitive men, good fathers and providers. They want help forthe abuser not further abuse from society and the caring agencies.Male Victims are removed from or asked to leave their homes because it is the easyoption.Male Victims have no support systems in place. They have no "listening ear."Shatterd Men Ministries International Working together with Manna Communications Ltd.For the Justice of the People.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~CONFERENCE NEWS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The Battered Men's Helpline presents:A Conference on Male Victims of Domestic Abuseco-sponsored by the Bangor Daily NewsMay 18, 2001 7pm at the University of Southern MaineFor further information call: 207-683-2515 or 207-791-7823Battered Mens' Helpline, a 501 (c) 3 non profit organization for victims of domesticabuse.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WEBSITE NEWS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~6th International Men's Month - June 2001What The National Men's Resource Center has planned for the month of June, includingMen's Health Week: Each morning at 12:01 AM, starting June 1, a new message will come up on our web siteby clicking on "Today" or subscribing to this free daily service. It will giveinformation about a specific men's issue including an important Book of the Day.Gordon Clay, Executive DirectorThe National Men's Resource CenterWorking since 1982 to end men's isolationPO Box 800, San Anselmo, CA 94979-0800www.menstuff.org or menstuff@menstuff.orgwww.tcaw.org or tcaw@tcaw.org (testicular cancer)--------------SAABM (San Antonio Abused & Battered Men) has their website up at http://www.saabm.org/check for meeting info and lots of other information. Those local to San Antonio canexpect to see a hard-copy newsletter coming out soon!--------------Arizona Fathers' Rights OrgThe website for AZFR has been refurbished and brightened up. Pay our buds a visit at:http://www.arizonafathersrights.org--------------BITS&PIECESGood information on conflict resolution athttp://www.resolutionworks.org/article_crafting_winwin.htmThe scoop on Ritalin at:http://www.breggin.com/index.html~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*MEN IN CRISIS PRAYER CIRCLE Founded by Reverend Trudy Mackay of Yuma AZ, this is an online group that offersprayers to assist men in situations of domestic abuse, divorce/custody, and otherissues. To request prayer, e-mail desertlight@angelfire.com Please include the firstnames of people involved and a general location. This is entirely free of charge.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~COMMENTARY~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~by Dan MarshallWas in Barnes & Noble yesterday, and while walking through the bargain section almosttripped over a stack of Susan Faludi's book "Stiffed", on sale for $5.99. Hardbackedition. Part of me rejoiced- I am still mad at her for "Backlash", which is truly oneof the most vile books ever written. "Stiffed" was a much better book (which is not saying much!), but obviously thesame formula that worked for her in Backlash- blame everything on a vast conspiracy ofevil males- did not find as receptive a male audience as "Backlash" was able to find ina feminist audience. There is a lesson here for people. This experience got me thinking about the books that have come out of the men'smovement. About the only one I can think of that was a best seller, and that reallysparked anything, was "Iron John". A truly unique and poetic tome that clearly touched achord in a lot of men. I just started re-reading it. Warren Farrell continues to produceexcellent work- his latest, "Father and Son Reunion", is right up there with his best-but he just doesn't seem to have the impact that he deserves. More traditional men seehim as being too "whiny", and are not ready for the all-out assault on the protectorrole that he advocates. I remember a few years ago Andrew Kimbrell came out with the "Masculine Mystique",which he clearly hoped would have the same kind of impact as "The Feminine Mystique"did. It didn't, despite his worthy effort. We can all think of many other books thatimpacted us greatly, but not the general population. The Men's Movement is still awaiting a watershed event- a Boston Tea Party, aStonewall, a bus boycott- something that cannot be predicted or planned, but will justhappen- and change things forever. Men are perhaps so hopelessly wrapped up in theirprotector roles that they will never see themselves as victims and do something forthemselves- it will probably be for their children- most likely their sons. Some mansomewhere storming the barricades on behalf of his son, in some way that captures thepublic imagination, is how it will probably happen.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~YAHOO CLUBSBattered Husbands Support<<NEW LISTING>>http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/batteredhusbandssupportMomsForDadsRightshttp://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/momsfordadsrightsAbused Guyshttp://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/abusedguysShatterd Menhttp://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/shattterdmen~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~EDITORIAL~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~GUNNY, HAND ME A TISSUE PLEASE?by Trudy W. Schuett Some recent TV shows have really put my panties in a bunch. First, there was amade-for-TV movie called, "Semper Fi," which purported to be about the Marine Corps. Then there was, "Boot Camp," which is probably still lingering, but has nothing todo with any of our actual military services. This is of course not to mention the "Survivor" series, which drew our attentionbecause we couldn't believe it was possible to have a whole collection of people who hadno skills or abilities whatsoever living in this situation. I saw a couple of those, andwas astonished at the lack of any redeeming qualities in these people chosen to playthis TV game show. Thing about these TV shows that bothers me is that the men on these things are hugecrybabies. In "Semper Fi," there was a guy who cried himself to sleep at night becausehis daddy was in jail. Uh, don't think it would happen. On the "Boot Camp" TV show, they made a big deal out of one guy who stood in therain bawling because his best bud went away. Oh, boo-hoo! Wanna know something? Theseguys knew each other for two weeks-real guys wouldn't have stood there crying when onewent away. Hell, I wouldn't have cried like that! And, yeah-"Survivor." One episode I saw showed a guy getting all emotional aboutbeing away from his mom for a couple of weeks. He got to e-mail her. ooh--sniffly time!and had to run off into the bushes after. We hoped he just needed to take a leak, butthe implication was clear. I am so sick of this business of men crying on TV. It is so bogus, such garbage. Idon't claim to be an expert on the Marine Corps. Still, I cannot believe for even half asecond most guys, Marines or otherwise would be that emotional in public. IN PUBLIC-that's the operative term! And I really hate the insulting suggestion thatthey should, could, or would. The television medium is doing a real number these days onhow men are perceived by the millions of kids who are watching these things. The '60sand '70s produced a generation who thought relationships should be run like soap operas,and now for the '90s and '00s, it looks like we're working on a generation who thinksmen are helpless, whiny creatures suffering an epidemic of vagina envy.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~We leave you with the 'Zonie blessing--"May you always have a full tank ofgas and underwear that doesn't ride up!"Trudy W. SchuettPublisherAuthor, "Friends to the End" http://www.hyperpedia.net©2001 TWSchuett