Hello Trudy,
I just want to tell you how much I appreciate what you are doing on behalf of so many parents and children. I know that it takes a lot of your time. You don't know it, but you have been helping me. I know that a lot of other people feel the same way. So I just wanted to take a moment to thank you.
I was raised within a loving, liberal, activist family. My father was a Methodist minister. My mother, a psychologist. We were active in the Civil Rights movement for Blacks, and we were also active in the anti-Vietnam War movement. We were involved in First Amendment issues. I take pride in what we did.
My sisters and mother were involved in the feminist movement. Two of my sisters are lesbians. My mother is a member of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). I am not a member, but I could be. I support their work to deal with some of the injustices that are suffered by that community. However I was never a feminist, although I knew men who claimed to be so. The word always struck my ear wrong. I actually began claiming to be a masculinist, in order to let people hear how that word would sound. Most of them didn't like it. And, in truth, neither did I. I was simply trying to make a point.
But my feelings about the accomplishments of feminism changed recently. I had been thinking that much of change had been benign at worst, much needed in some cases. But then I saw some changes up close, that affected me very much.
Almost 3 years ago my common-law wife and I conceived a child.
She decided to leave me. There was no violence or abuse involved.
She fabricated a story to a judge in Massachusetts, telling him that I had "shaken" her 4 year old daughter, and had spoken to her in a very angry voice. These were simply fabrications that she used, as to tell the judge that I didn't
read enough to her daughter in the morning, which is what she told her parents that the problem had been, just wouldn't cut it with a court. (Actually that was also a fabrication, also, but I won't go into that.)
Presumably her lawyer encouraged her to stretch severely an incident where I had held the child's arms so she could not throw golf balls at other kids. I had already asked her asked her nicely not to do it. This child, whom I love dearly,
and to whom I've never once raised my voice, threatened, or struck in any manner; this child, who loved me dearly, and clung to me and called me "dad", was "testing the limits" with me that day. I knew that. I knew that kids are
supposed to do that. That's what being a kid is about. But I also knew that I had to show her where that limit was. So when she cocked her arm to throw the next golf ball, I held her arm, so she couldn't throw it. I didn't shake her in any
sense. I didn't shout at her. For her mother to tell a judge that I did, is a fabrication, the intent of which was purely and simply to take my soon to be born child away from me.
Now my daughter is 26 months old, and I have seen her just 3 days of her life, and that was a year ago.
I should also say that, a year ago, when her mother did allow me to meet my then 14 month old daughter, she assured me that she was sorry that events had gone the way they had, and that now everything would be different. She said that she wanted me to be fully involved with my daughter's life, and that she was coming soon for a visit. I was in heaven. The mother pointedly referred to "our" daughter. It was a very touching scene. We walked our
daughter together inside the house. My mother and sisters took pictures of proud parents and their beautiful daughter, all sitting together on the couch.
But then my mother, sisters, brother-in-law went home, and when I tried to contact my daughter's mother, she didn't return my calls. At first, I was very patient, but later I became very anxious, as I had already gone through a lot. My
family tried to contact her, but without success.
Her family finally told me that she had moved in with a new boyfriend in a log cabin in the mountains of Oregon. I tried to call her, but couldn't get through. I tried to write, but received no answers. Her family assured me that she had
told them that the problem was purely logistical. Finally I dialed *67 on the phone to disable caller identification, and got through. I was assured that there was no problem, other than she didn't have definite plans. She promised to stay in touch. But that was the last I heard from her, and I was unable to get through again on the telephone.
When my sister, her friend, and myself drove to Oregon, and up to the cabin, we were friendly and polite, the boyfriend was extremely threatening to all of us. We felt we were in physical danger. We left without seeing my daughter. The scene earlier, where the mother had assured me that she wanted me to be involved in my daughter's life, had been a complete hoax on my 80 year old mother, my sisters, my brother-in-law, and myself.
When I brought suit in Massachusetts, the mother claimed then claimed to be a resident of Oregon, and outside the jurisdiction of the Massachusetts court. Now I am trying to bring a suit in Oregon, but the mother and boyfriend have
moved to another state. It is unknown where they are. The mother's parents refuse to communicate with me, or anyone from my family, dispite having previously expressed to me their respect for me, and that they didn't believe the
charge of abuse that their daughter had brought against me.
I'm sorry to have to relate such a sad and personal account. It is no fun to bring this sort of story before strangers. And I know it makes people uncomfortable to hear it. But I think it is necessary that I introduce myself somewhat before I say what's most on my mind right now.
My daughter and myself were treated horribly by "the system". Without going into much detail or proof here, allow me to simply state that I was abused by the mother, her parents, her lawyer, the judges, and the laws of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I was assumed to be guilty, when in fact I was innocent. I was put in jail for asking to see my first born child. The mother has adequately displayed for all who will see it, her contempt of the child's
rights to know her father, and receive her father's affection, and to give affection to her father. Anyone who is sensitive to the notion that when a father is slandered, a child is hurt too, can understand the essential injustice of what has already happened, and what at this moment continues to happen.
The system hasn't worked. Justice delayed is justice denied, especially when the parent to child bond should be forming. I've been kidnapped from my daughter, just as much as she's been kidnapped from me. It is extremely clear
to me that the system, as it is, does not work. Our current family law situation, at least as practiced in Massachusetts, is nothing that Americans can be proud of, in my very subjective opinion.
In trying to deal with what has been happening to my daughter and myself, I went looking for support. I went to the Left, as I grew up among the Left.
But I found out that the Left doesn't think in terms of father's rights. Nor does it (yet) think in terms of a children's rights to their fathers.
So I went looking on the Right, as I've never, contrary to what some might expect, been politically correct myself, nor been concerned about being politically correct. I judge issues and spokespersons one at a time. I try not to prejudge, and I try to listen people in their own language - to hear what they are trying to say. I don't care how they say it.
What I found on the Right didn't help me much, to be honest, as it was often tangled up rather thoroughly with a number of other issues that I disagree with, and wouldn't feel right seeming to support. I came across considerable
homophobic and sexist language. And a considerable amount of puerile insult throwing. I don't want to get into that myself, so I just say that it is not encouraging to see that sort of thing, when one has a feeling that a social
movement must develop around an issue. A social movement must always seek the high ground. It will be dragged through the mud at every opportunity, anyway. The public is not convinced by name calling. It just warns them away.
To me it is quite clear that we must find language to express our essential points. We we all intuitively understand these ideas when we discover ourselves or our children, likely both, to have suffered a real injustice by "the system". We understand them for ourselves, in our own language, because we they affect us so much. But how to express that sense of injustice to the general public, who may not be so close to our situations?
The gender wars have been costly. My view is that the very existence of a gender war is a sign that our society has forgotten that neither gender, by itself, is anything at all. Both genders are utterly parts of each other. To politically align ourselves by gender, I believe, is a sign of a radical misunderstanding who we are as human beings.
We don't want more gender wars. We shouldn't fight them. We should point out how silly and vain they are, how full of hubris and arrogance, how funny the practitioners of gender war are.
But we shouldn't dehumanize the gender warriors, as that would be to participate in the war. To participate in it is tantamount to handing them the victory. If we fight to win the gender war in order to win the gender war, we all lose, in my opinion.
So, how to avoid fighting that war, yet still win justice for our children and ourselves? I think one answer is to focus on the children. The issue here is largely one of the damage done to the relationship between children and fathers. But if the injustice has been done to the relationship between children and mothers, it is still the same issue, if we focus on the children, and their rights to their parents protection, affection, and guidance. I know that the "best interest of the child" doctrine, as it has too often been applied, has done a lot of harm to many families. But I would argue that the harm has really been done by a short-sighted interpretation of what the best interests of the child are.
In the courthouse in Massachusetts where I first tried to bring my suit, I noticed a lot of literature in the waiting room, and it carried the theme, "A child needs both parents."
I think this is a great theme. I was a little surprised to see it in Massachusetts, as the practice of the courts there seemed, at least in my case, to have little concern about the actual situation of a child not being allowed to know her
father. (Though I must give credit to the last judge I saw, an older woman. She seemed heartful and wise. She pleaded with the mother of my child to let her know her father. But the jurisdictional issue was interposed, and that judge was powerless in the situation. I don't fault her in any way.)
Never-the-less, one earlier judge who had signed the restraining order on testimony that was a lie, and the system that doesn't enforce a witnesses responsibility to speak truthfully. Another judge I had appeared before arrogantly denied any necessity of looking into the situation further. The conduct of these two judges, set the situation up that has caused such harm to my daughter and myself. If anywhere along the line a truly professional judge would have looked this squarely in the face, they would have seen the essential situation. There was evidence all over the place. The system, at least the piece of it that I dealt with, was simply prejudiced against me, as a man and as a father.
I think the we should form our movement more strongly around the idea of the rights of children. I think we must our the political society, that we all live within, that a systemic prejudice against fathers, is a systemic prejudice against the rights of children.
I think that illuminating the issue in such a manner is something that society can come to understand. And in this way they don't need to tangle into gender war issues. I think most of us are pretty tired of that.
There are many miles to go down this road before we get to where we want to be. It is a large effort. I think it is a worthy effort of anyone who loves this country. It is right to want its laws, and its practice of justice to be worthy of
the word.
I would like to see our movement become a great gift to our children. For my daughter and myself, the sooner, the better.
Sincerely,
John Tinker
