Myths

Myths of domestic violence

A myth surrounding male victims of domestic violence is that

they are somehow supposed to be able to defend themselves; that there's

something wrong with a man who can't 'control' his wife/girlfriend/significant other. The problem with this myth is that it is wrong. When two people enter into a relationship, there is no consideration of 'preparedness,' or control.

A loving relationship begins for entirely different reasons.

The beginnings have more to do with comfort. Nobody goes into a relationship thinking, "How will I need to control her?" The violence evolves later, in a setting that all of society agrees is the safest place in the world for

anyone to be; their home. How does one prepare for or defend against

something that's not supposed to happen at all? Most men aren't ninjas or Navy Seals; even if they are, they have to be off-guard sometime. Where else but at home?

Another myth is that women, with their obvious childbearing and

nurturing capabilities, are somehow less-inclined to or even incapable of

violence. Yet history is full of women who left the kids at home and went

out and fought wars such as Boadicea, and Molly Pitcher. Native American legends in many tribes across the country tell of women who killed either their children or husband, and some even ate them!

Another myth is that women, due to their lesser size, are somehow less

dangerous than men. This is also wrong. It is because of their lesser size

that they are more dangerous. Why? Because women use weapons. Practically

anything can become a weapon in the hands of an angry, out-of-control woman. A CD case, a bent paper clip, a simple nail file can become harmful, even lethal weapons. Most women know that to hit a man with her fists is simply not effective if her intention is to cause harm.

We are not talking about all women here. Most women love and respect the

men in their lives. Their husbands, fathers and sons are safe in their care,

as are most women when it comes to their husbands, fathers, and sons.

Most women would no sooner hit their husband than take a trek to Antarctica,

but some women do.

For some, it's somehow OK to give the old man a slap or a punch

now and again, just to make sure he's paying attention. Some women throw

things, like dishes or books, and others use their $50 acrylic fingernails

for all kinds of things besides looking nice.

"Oh. Well, she was just mad," they say. Or drunk, or 'on the rag,' or

feeling neglected, or whatever. Is this OK? Once, maybe. But only once. More than that, and when it's a usual thing, it's time for the guy to get out, if he can. It is never easy for any victim, but for men, there is no place to go.

So, where are the programs? The resources? Mostly nowhere. The shelters established by women (with the help of concerned men), beginning in the '70s, are closed to men. To make matters worse, laws in many states now require that the man in any DV situation is the one arrested, no matter who is actually at fault.

The biggest myth of all is that because women's shelters exist, men ought to be able to establish their own refuges for themselves. Unfortunately, in the current political climate, which presumes only men are guilty of DV, this is not possible. Meanwhile, there is plenty of finger-pointing going on as to who caused this situation. Some even say men are only getting what they deserve.

Forgotten in all this are the children, who are often as much victims as their fathers. If the abuser in a DV situation is a woman, there is no help for them, either. Domestic violence is not a gender issue--it is a human issue.